This behavior, though not in a malicious form, can even be seen in children. How many times must a child have put on a big smile and refrained from playing up in an attempt to negotiate a treat from an adult? Heck, parents even encourage this behavior by bargaining with their children and giving them rewards for being good.
They effectively barter their niceness for other perks rather than being nice for the sake of it. See, the thing about a mature being human is that we all come with a veritable maelstrom of emotions ranging from kindness and compassion to rage and despair. When someone is nice all the time, you can be certain that they have all kinds of other emotions roiling beneath the surface.
All of those repressed feelings build up over the years, usually causing issues with anxiety and depression, or worse. Sure, they could be on prescription drugs of some kind, but even those allow people to feel the wealth and breadth of emotion on some level.
Those who are permanently plastered with beatific smiles and are unfazed at even the most extreme circumstances just might be blazed off their faces. Opioid painkillers can create this effect in people, but so can a number of other drugs, legal and illicit alike. Nice people are boring as mashed potato and white bread sandwiches. Yeah, okay, a nice person can be tolerable for a short period of time, but the constant saccharine sweetness can be overwhelmingly irritating. One bite of triple-chocolate cake is okay, but an entire slice of it let alone half the gateau will make you nauseated.
We need people who will snark and be sarcastic bastards and have some semblance of a personality beyond that of an overly sugary custard. Be honest: what kind of person would you rather hang out with on a Friday night?
Someone with whom you can take the piss in mutual good-natured torment? Someone who is overly nice is undoubtedly a liar. Not really. In adult relationships, choosing niceness over honesty can breed not only mistrust, but also resentment. Nice people tend to attract users — partners who are lazy, friends who always need help moving, family members who constantly have a favor to ask.
It's OK to be helpful, but it crosses over into bad territory when these people are never there for you in return. So take it as a sign if it feels like your needs are never met. You might notice that you never have time to reach your goals, or that the people in your life rarely step up to help you out. According to Buckley, being too nice steals energy away from your to-do list.
Try to be more honest about your needs. If you constantly agree to do things because you want to be liked, and not because you genuinely have the time or energy, resentment will start to build. Reserve all those yeses for things and people who truly matter to you, Buckley says, and watch in amazement as you start to feel less burnt out. Doing so will only open the floor for negotiation and guilt may get the better of you.
Stick to your guns and respect your time. From there, look for small situations where you can practice saying no, perhaps where the outcome has little to no risk. For a full day have them ask you to do things and practice how to say no.
Even if it leads you to get ahead in your career, it can also mean your boss will continue to take advantage of you. Think about your group of friends. On a similar note, do you ever catch yourself shooting down your own ideas or belittling what you say? According Halow, overly nice people do this on the reg.
The next time a self-deprecating comment begins to form in your mouth, swallow it back down. Knocking yourself down is a habit, and the only way to break it is by doing the opposite. In an effort to be nice, you may also find yourself quickly agreeing to plans without checking your schedule.
If you tend to say yes too quickly, practice slowing down your response. Let me think on it and get back to you in an hour. But to you? Are the things you say not matching up with how you feel? Take note.
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